The Secrecy Series
by Shannon2
Summary: Continuing chapters of the video tape fiasco, and Ross's Hair. R
1. Default Chapter

TOW the Missing Video Tape

TOW the Missing Video Tape

I got the idea for this fic from TOW Ross' Sandwich. That's all I'll say about the plot so as not to give it away. I loved that episode, especially when Mon says, "I'm Monica.. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants." *lol* 

I'm not sure if Ross was still living with the guys during that episode, probably not, so he's not living there in my fic. And I tried to make it a little funny, but I don't know how that turned out, so basically... good luck with getting a laugh. 

Disclaimer: I don't own the Friends characters, otherwise Bright Kauffman and Crane would have a big lawsuit on their hands. HA! j/k

[Scene: Joey & Chandler's. Joey is in his barca lounger looking at Baywatch, surprise surprise. Chandler rushes out of his room and looks frantically around the apartment.]

Joey: dude, what are you doing?

Chan: (looking through video tapes) Nothing, just looking for something.

Joey: well would you get out of the way, I'm watching Baywatch!

Chan: (ducks down) Sorry!

Joey: Thank you. Uh oh... Yasmine is on the run!

Chan: (pops his head up) what? Run Yasmine! Run!

Chandler spends a few seconds gazing at the TV before looking through the tapes again.

Joey: What are you looking for?

Chan: just a certain tape. (picks up a rental box) What movie is this?

Joey: (eyes still on the TV) I don't know.

Chan: Well how long has it been here?

Joey: I don't know.

Chan: (puts tape on the kitchen counter) okay, I'm taking it back. 

Joey: (jumps out the lounger) dude! what are you doing? Let me see that, It might be porn.

Joey takes the tape, putting it in the VCR.

Chan: (realizing that might be the tape he's looking for) Uh.. don't you wanna finish watching Baywatch Joe?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Chicks in bathing suits or Chicks naked... (weighs the options in his hands) I'm going with naked.

Chan: (whispers) please don't let it be the one...

The movie comes on and it's not the one Chandler is looking for. He breaths a sigh of relief as Monica walks through the front door.

Mon: hey.

Joey: hey Mon

Chan: (walking up to Monica) Hey, did you find the tape?

Mon: no, did you?

Chan: No.

Mon: that's great! I knew I shouldn't have let you talk me into making that video.

Chan: It was your idea!

Mon: well you didn't have to agree with me. 

Joey: enough already with the missing tape. What's so special about it?

Chandler and Monica share a look.

Chan: Look, Monica and I... we kind of made a video.

Joey: (smiling) Nice!

Mon: Yeah... but **someone** lost it.

Joey: did you get it mixed up in your collection of porn, too? I hate it when that happens.

Mon: Joey, I don't have a porn collection.

Joey: Chandler does.

Chan: that's not really the issue (turns to Monica) totally not true.

Joey: well did you label it?

Mon: I don't think we did... but I can't remember.

Joey: looks like we're gonna have to search through all these tapes.

Mon: And you don't mind helping us? Joey that's so sweet.

Chan: Monica, you don't understand. Looking through all these tapes is a part of Joey's weekly routine.

Joey: yeah it is...

Monica gives a disgusted look as they begin their search.

[Cut to: Later that day, the guys apartment. Everyone is there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi everybody, what's up.

Rach: (startled) Oh my God...

Everyone just stares at him, looking at his hair streaked in blonde, a botched job to say the least.

Ross: (strikes a pose) You guys notice anything different about me?

Chan: You mean besides the fact that you look like Pepe Le Peu? No.

Phoebe: I think you look great.

Ross: Thanks Pheebs. Since being on "sabbatical" I've had a lot of free time, so I figured I'd try something new.

Mon: Ross, for you, trying something new means reading a new book, not becoming a punk rockstar.

Ross: I don't know, maybe you're right. But I think it's a little cool. Hey, I could meet chicks like this.

Joey: (short laugh) yeah, good luck with that.

Ross: anyway, while I'm here I wanted to get that tape I left over here.

Rach: what tape?

Ross: it has a special on it from the Discovery Channel. I forgot it when I moved out.

Ross goes through the group of tapes.

Ross: (picks up a tape) Cool! It's still here.

Chan: (to Joey) where'd that tape come from?

Joey: I don't know, I don't remember seeing it. 

Chan: me either. Man, what if that's the tape?

Joey: Then it was good knowing you because you are **so** dead...

[Scene: Central Perk, the next day. Monica and Chandler are on the couch and Rachel is in the arm chair. Joey comes in and sits next to Monica.]

Joey: hey you guys.

Mon/Chan: hey

Rach: hey Joey

Joey: (to Mon and Chan) you guys find the tape yet?

Chan: No. I've looked for it everywhere.

Mon: I hate this.

Rach: what tape?

Chan: oh, just this tape that we lost.

Rach: well what is it? Maybe I've seen it.

Mon: oh no.. I don't think you've seen this.

Chan: (laughing) it's definitely not the kind of thing you're into.

Rach: what?

Chan: now Joey on the other hand...

Rach: come on you guys, what's going on?

Joey: Okay..

Mon: (interrupting) Joey rented Faces of Death, and he has to return the tape but he lost it.

Rach: Ooh, I love Faces of Death!

Chan: Are you serious?

Rach: yeah! it's really cool in a creepy way.

[A.N: have you all seen Faces of Death? All I can say is Whoa!]

Rach: But wait a minute. Joey I thought you hated stuff like that?

Joey: I-I do. But I look at it for the acting.

Rach: Honey I think it involves real people.

Joey: that's what makes the acting so good!

Rach: (shares a look with Monica and Chandler) Okay. (looks at her watch) well I've gotta go. I have a date. 

Mon: really? with who?

Rach: Brad from work.

Mon: Didn't you say he was gay?

Rach: Well he does have a feminine energy... but I guess I'll find out tonight. (crosses fingers) Let's hope he's BI. 

Mon/Chan/Joey: (crossing their fingers) Okay! (Rach exits)

[Scene: Later that evening, Monica & Rachel's. Mon and Chandler are in bed taking a breather.]

Mon: (breathing heavily) that was great.

Chan: yeah, it.... uh..

Mon: sweetie its okay, you don't have to speak. I know I'm the best.

Chan: (catching his breath) Yes, yes you are. Hey, when is Rachel coming home?

Mon: I don't know, she's still on her date. Why?

Chan: Well (gives her a kiss) I was thinking (another kiss) we could take a shower together before she comes back. You know, mix it up again.

Mon: (smiles) Okay!

Chan: Okay! 

[Time Lapse: The shower is running and you-know-who is in there. Rachel enters the apartment from her date.]

Rach: (to herself) I am so glad this night is almost over! (goes to the bathroom door) Mon! 

Mon: (V.O) Oh! ooh yeah...

Rach: hmm... Monica must be using the massager again. (enters her bedroom)

[Time Lapse: Monica exits the bathroom in her robe with a huge smile on her face and goes into the kitchen, with Chandler right behind her.]

Mon: That was the best shower ever!

Chandler laughs and bumps into Monica as she stops in her tracks.

Chan: what?

Mon: (whispers) Oh my God! Rachel is here.

Chan: how do you know?

Mon: that's her stuff on the table. I told her about leaving her things out like that!

A noise comes from Rachel's room.

Chan: what was that?!

Mon: she's coming! (pushes Chandler towards her room) Go!

Chandler runs to her room and closes the door as Rachel enters the living room.

Rach: hey Mon

Mon: hey Rach. When did you get home?

Rach: Oh, about 20 minutes ago. You were in the shower.

Mon: (blushes) right..

Rach: You sounded like you were enjoying yourself.

Mon: I did? That's odd..

Rach: Mon, listen. I know that massager is just great! But maybe you should go on a date once in a while, hmm?

Mon: Uh, speaking of dates... how was yours?

Rach: Uh! don't get me started...

Mon: Oh, okay...

Rach: (interrupting) It was the worst date! He was **so** gay!

Mon: Did he tell you that?

Rach: No.

Mon: then how do you know?

Rach: Mon, trust me... okay. Let's look at this date objectively.

Mon: (looking at her room) uh, Rach its late and...

Rachel continued on and Monica had no choice but to listen. 30 minutes later Rachel was finishing up her story and then she went to bed.

Mon: (entering her bedroom) Chandler?

Chandler was lightly snoring.

Mon: (leans down) sweetie...

Chan: (in his sleep) No Monica, I'm not a machine!

Mon: Chandler!

Chan: (wakes up) Huh? what?

Mon: you were having a nightmare.

Chan: I was? I don't remember.

Mon: It seemed horrible, but it was just a dream.

Chan: (smiles) thanks for waking me. I hate dreams like that.

Mon: I know, me too.

[Scene: Central Perk, the next day. Ross and Rachel are sitting at a table.]

Ross: Hey, do you notice anything strange?

Rach: Well your hair is blinding me.

Ross: Ha ha, I'm talking about the looks I'm getting. 

Rach: (looks around the coffee house) What makes you think they're looking at you?

Ross: (laughs) Come on Rach, be serious. It's my new look and women love it. (Leans over to a nearby table full of women) How are you ladies doing?

Rach: (hangs her head) This is **so** embarrassing. 

Ross: I can't believe I didn't do this sooner.

Gunther brings them their coffee.

Ross: hey Gunther, you like my new look right?

Gun: No, not really.

Ross: What? But our hair is almost the same.

Gun: I just don't like it. (leaves)

Ross: (chuckles) Yeah right.

Rach: You are such a loser!

Ross: I think you're just jealous because all the ladies want me. (a woman walks by) 'Sup.

Rach: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! 

Ross: Hey if you're so embarrassed by the attention why are you still sitting with me?

Rach: Hmm, that is a good question. Why am I still here? (gets up and walks out)

The women at the table look at Ross.

Ross: (Smiles) Oh don't worry... She'll be back.

[Scene: Joey & Chandler's, the same day. Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by video tapes.]

Joey: Y'know, I never realized how many movies we had.

Mon: I can't believe we haven't found it. There has to be some excuse...

Chan: Are you sure it isn't at your place?

Mon: I'm positive. We taped it here, and I never left with it. It's gotta be here somewhere.

Chan: (finding another rental box) Joey?

Joey: Yeah

Chan: What's this?

Joey: Great, another one.

Mon: How often do you rent movies?

Joey: Whenever the mood hits me.

Chan: In other words, every other day.

Joey: All this movie watching has made me hungry. I gotta take a break.

Mon: Actually that's not a bad idea Joey. Why don't we go get something to eat and then come back.

Joey: Yeah baby! Sounds good to me.

Chandler and Joey file out of the apartment, leaving Monica behind looking at the pile of video tapes. 

Chan: Honey, what are you doing?

Mon: Uh, nothing... Are you just gonna leave this mess on the floor?

Chan: You can clean it up.

Mon: (smiles) Thank you!

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's that evening. Rachel is sitting on the couch when Monica comes out of her room.]

Mon: hey Rach, what are you doing?

Rach: getting ready to watch a movie. You wanna watch it with me?

Mon: Sure.. (sits next to her as she starts the movie) What are we watching?

Rach: (smiles) Faces of Death.

Mon: Oh, so you went out and rented it?

Rach: Heck no. No, I just went over to Joey and Chandler's and got it.

Mon: (sitting up) What?

Rach: yeah, I went over there and (picks up the rental box) saw this sitting in Joey's chair. You guys obviously didn't look very hard. (Beat) Oh, it's starting.

The movie comes on, but it's not what they're expecting (I know you saw that coming, whatever). 

Rach: What? That's not Faces of Death.... It looks like.. Monica what is that?

Mon: Oh my God! Rach turn it off!

Rach: Ahh! Is that.... Oh my God, Monica that's you! (covers her eyes) My eyes! My eyes!

Mon: (dives across Rachel) Give me the remote!

Rach: Ow! Monica, get off me!

Rachel tries to push Monica off her.

Mon: (Rolling to the floor with Rachel) Ow!

Rach: (hearing the "noises" on the tape) Could you turn that off please!

Joey and Chandler run in.

Joey: What's going on? We heard screams. (sees the girls lying on the floor and smiles) Nice..

Chan: (sees what's on the television) Oh, no, no, no! 

Joey: (eyes bulging out of his head at the television with a wide grin) Now this is what I call porn!

The End

Okay, tell me what you think. Did I get the characters right? Was it funny at all? Or at least believable? This is only my 3rd fic and I'm still new at this, so if there's anyone out there who can help me out, please email me: [shannonism_2000@yahoo.com][1].

Also, check out my other fic TOW the Past Lover. Thanks for reading!

   [1]: shannonism_2000@yahoo.com



	2. TOW All the Wigs

The One With All the Wigs

The One With All the Wigs

Alright, by popular demand, or two suggestions, I've decided to write a continuation of [TOW the Missing Video Tape][1]. Thanks to everyone who reviewed it, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't think of a good summary, so just read and review. Also, this fic continues later that evening.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, so what. 

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's, around 1 a.m. Monica has shut off the lights preparing to go to bed when there's a light knock on the door.]

Mon: (to herself) Who in the hell is this? (opens the door) Oh, it's you.

Chan: (steps into the apartment) Hey, what's up.

Mon: Do you know what time it is? What are you doing here? 

Chan: (shrugged) You know....

Mon: Chandler, I don't think now is the best time for a booty call, considering what happened. 

Chan: What? No, I'm here for the tape.

Mon: Why didn't you just get it when you were here earlier? 

Chan: Because Joey and Rachel were here, and it was a very awkward moment. 

Mon: Okay.. well hurry up and get it. If Rachel wakes up and finds you here I don't know what we're going to do. 

Chandler and Monica walk quietly to the living room. 

Chan: So (gestures with his hands and knocks the lamp off balance) Uh-oh! 

Mon: Shh! 

Chan: Sorry.

Mon: (hands him the tape) Here. 

Chan: Thanks, and I'll make sure Joey never gets a copy of the tape.

Mon: (gives Chandler a quick peck) Now go. 

Chandler tries to switch hands with the tape and drops it on the floor.

Chan: Oops! (picks it back up)

Mon: Chandler! (hears Rachel's door open) Hide!

Chandler dives behind the couch just as Rachel comes out of her room. 

Rach: Monica, what are you doing? It's after one o'clock in the morning!

Mon: Honey I'm sorry I woke you. (glances at Chandler) 

Rach: Why are you still up?

Mon: Uh.. well I had a nightmare that something wasn't clean, so I got up to check it.... yeah that's it.

Rach: Mon, you seriously need to get some help.

Mon: I know.

Rachel turns around as if she's going back to her room then faces Monica again.

Mon: What?

Rach: Since I'm up, I might as well get some water.

Mon: No, Rach! I'll get it for you. 

Rach: Are you sure? Okay then. (enters her bedroom)

Monica goes to the kitchen and Chandler prepares to make a quick escape. But before he could, Rachel exits her bedroom again and walks to the kitchen. Chandler crawls behind the armchair. 

Rach: Mon, on second thought, never mind the water. I'm just so tired..

Mon: Okay.. no (notices that Rachel will see Chandler if she turns around) No!

Rach: What?

Mon: (watches Chandler sneak into her room) No problem! 

Rach: You should sleep in late tomorrow... seriously.

Mon: I think I will. 

Rachel goes back to her bedroom and Monica rushes into hers, shutting the door.

Mon: What are you doing? You should've been sneaking out the other door.

Chan: And how was I suppose to do that with you and Rachel standing in the kitchen?

Mon: (thinks for a sec) Yeah, that's true. 

Chan: Well, since I'm here.. (smiles) you wanna have the sex?

Mon: (smiles back) Okay. (falls on top of Chandler on the bed) 

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's, the next morning. Everyone but Ross is sitting at the table eating breakfast. They're all silent and lost in their own thoughts.]

Chan: (V.O) Okay, so they saw the tape.. No big deal. They only saw a few seconds, right? 

Rach: (V.O) I can't believe Monica made a sex tape... a sex tape! Not only is she freakishly strong, (looks at Monica) she's a freak.

Mon: (V.O) I can always deny it. Rachel never saw my face, did she? No, that won't work.

Chan: (V.O) Who am I kidding? It is a big deal! Monica will never agree to do another one!

Mon: (V.O) I can't deny the tape, that's just stupid. That was some of my best work, not to mention Chandler's. 

Joey: (looks at his plate of eggs, toast and bacon) (V.O) Hey, this would make a great sandwich.

Rach: (looking at Joey) (V.O) Joey's probably thinking about a sandwich, when we just saw Monica having sex on a tape. Whoa, that's another image I don't want to think about.

Phoe: (V.O singing) la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 

Ross: (entering) Okay, I need your honest opinion.

Everyone looks at him.

Ross: Is my hair really that scary?

Chan: Are you really asking that question?

Ross: I cannot believe this! I'm on the subway, and this woman actually hides her purse, like I was going to steal it!

Chan: Well you do look like you'd fit in with the cast of OZ.

Phoe: Not on last week's episode.

Mon: (laughs) Oh, right! That was when the guy was in the shower, and..

Ross: (interrupting) Hello! I was talking about me! (grabs his hair) What am I supposed to do with this?

Rach: Why don't you just dye it back?

Ross: (sarcastically) Oh, I never thought of that... Thank you! (off her look) If I put anymore dye in my hair it'll fall out.

Mon: Why'd you streak your hair in the first place?

Rach: Especially without supervision.

Ross: I just wanted to try something different. But what if I get my job back... I mean, come back from sabbatical? I can't go back to work like this! 

Everyone was silent for about a minute.

Joey: So, Pheebs, about that episode. I think I missed it.

Chan: Was that the same one when the sneaky guy overdosed? Because wow..

Rach: Yeah, he played a very convincing drug addict.

Everyone begins talking at once as Ross looks on. 

Ross: Oh man! (walks out the apartment)

[Time Lapse: Monica & Rachel's later that day. Monica is on the couch when Rachel walks in.]

Rach: (singing) "Love to love ya, baby" (sees Monica) Oh, hey.

Mon: Hey.

Rach: (avoiding eye contact) What are you doing? 

Mon: Playing Mad Libs.

Rach: Uh-huh, well see ya! (goes into her room) 

Mon: (says to herself) Okay. 

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Joey are there as Phoebe walks in.]

Phoe: Hey you guys.

Joey: Hey Phoebe.

Ross: (depressed) Oh, hey Pheebs.

Phoe: Why so down? 

Ross: Have you seen my hair?

Joey: Don't try to change the subject man. 

Ross just stares at Joey.

Phoe: Oh! I have an idea. I could cut it out.

Ross: What?

Phoe: Yeah, I can just cut out the parts that are dyed. 

Joey: C'mon Ross, let her do it.

Ross: Uh, I don't know about that Phoebe. Are you sure? 

Phoe: No not really, but I can try. 

Ross: I think I'll just go to a professional.

Phoe: Wait, I have a friend who does hair.

Ross: Really, who is it?

Phoe: You know when I lived with that Albino guy when I was homeless?

Joey/Ross: Yeah.

Phoe: Well he lived in the box next door to us, and he always said he wanted to be a hairdresser.

Ross: (chuckles) Are you kidding me?

Joey: That is so cool. (to Ross) What's an Albino? 

[Scene: Chandler & Joey's. Chandler and Monica are there.] 

Mon: I don't know whats going on, but I think Rachel is avoiding me.

Chan: Are you sure? 

Rach: (enters) Joey!

Chan: Joey's not here.

Rach: Oh. Well I just came by to say hello. Bye! (exits)

Chan: Avoiding you like that?

Mon: Pretty much. I don't get it. 

Chan: I'm sorry sweetheart.

Mon: What about you and Joey. Are you two talking?

Chan: That depends on your definition. If talking means Joey asking me every 5 minutes what having sex with you in front of a camera is like, then yes.

Mon: But Rach and I are different. We're girls. We talk about everything. Nothing like this has happened since we lost contact. 

Chan: Monica, everything will be fine.

Mon: (continuing as if Chandler didn't say anything) I mean, she didn't even invite me to her wedding.

Chan: Mon..

Mon: She could've at least sent an invitation.

Chan: Monica..

Mon: That's what I would've done. 

Chan: Monica!

Mon: What? (off his look) No, I'm fine. I just got caught up in the memories, but I am so past that now.

Chan: (unconvinced) Look you just need to talk to Rachel, straighten things out.

Mon: Yeah, I know you're right. We live together, we should...

Chan: (shocked) What?

Mon: No, no. Not you and me, Rachel and me. You live with Joey, remember?

Chan: Oh, okay... whew!

Mon: Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Chan: Yeah I'm fine. Those words freak me out. I'm just not there yet. 

[Time Lapse: Chandler & Joey's. Chandler, Monica and Joey are there when Phoebe walks in upset.]

Joey: What's the matter Pheebs?

Phoe: Ugh! I am so mad!

Mon: Calm down, sweetie. What happened?

Phoe: Okay, well I went to go and see if my friend Fredo was a cosmopologist, and..

Mon: (interrupting) A what?

Phoe: You know, someone who does hair.

Mon: Don't you mean cosmetologist?

Phoe: That's what I said. 

Chan: Who is Fredo?

Joey: her Albino neighbor.

Chan: What?

Joey: I know, I didn't know what an Albino was either. 

Phoe: No, Joey! (to Chandler and Monica) Fredo stayed in the box next to me and the Albino guy I lived with when I was homeless.

Mon/Chan: Oh.

Phoe: Anyway, he's not a hairdresser, he's a stupid windshield washer on the street! 

Chan: (mocking) No!

Phoe: Uh-huh! Can you believe it? 

Mon: Phoebe, what made you think Fredo would be a hairdresser?

Phoe: Because, that was always his dream, next to taking a bath. 

Chan: You know he'd have to go to school, and get a license.

Phoe: (laughs) Why would he need a license? He doesn't drive. 

[Scene: Ross's. Ross is watching television when there's a knock on the door.]

Ross: (opens the door) Hey Phoebe.

Phoe: Hey! 

Ross: Come on in. 

Phoe: Okay, Ross, I'm sorry but my friend is not a hairdresser.

Ross: That's okay Pheebs. Thanks for trying.

Phoe: But I do have something better. (takes out a large pair of scissors from her bag) Look!

Ross: (screams) Aahh! (moves away from Phoebe)

Phoebe quickly takes out a Polaroid camera and takes his picture, then laughs hysterically. 

Ross: (sees the camera) What? Phoebe! That is not funny.

Phoe: (still laughing) I'm sorry Ross, but you should've seen the look on your face! 

Ross: Yeah, I'm amused.

Phoe: No, this is what I have for you. (takes out about 5 different wigs)

Ross: Wigs? I'm not going out in public wearing a wig!

Phoe: Ross, would you rather go out with your head looking like a strobe light or would you rather look normal?

Ross: (still looking at the wigs) Normal... I guess.

Phoe: Okay, then. And look, they're made with human hair!

Ross: Eww! 

Phoe: Ross stop acting like a baby! (looks at the picture again and giggles)

Ross: (whines) Phoebe..

Phoe: Okay, I'm sorry. 

[Scene: Chandler & Joey's. Joey has just put a tape in the VCR when Chandler enters the apartment.]

Chan: Hey Joe, what are you watching?

Joey: (quickly turns off the TV) Uh, nothing. 

Chan: Okay then. (enters his bedroom) 

Joey: (turns TV back on) There it is.. 

Chan: (exits bedroom) Have you been in my room?

Joey: What? No, of course not!

Chan: (holds up an empty tape box) Oh really? 

Joey: Alright! Alright! I took it, okay? But I was only gonna watch like 5 minutes of it.

Chandler just looks at him.

Joey: Okay, maybe 10 minutes... 

[Time Lapse: Ross's.] 

Ross: So what do you think Pheebs? (wearing the blonde wig)

Phoe: Eh.. 

Ross: What? No way! I think it looks okay.

Phoe: I don't like it. 

Ross: You don't?

Phoe: No, it makes you look weird. But if that's the look you're going for, then there you go!

Ross: (takes wig off) Okay, moving right along. 

Phoe: Try the red one. 

Ross: (puts the red wig on) Hmm... its not bad.

Phoe: It's different... Hey! We could call you 'Red Ross' (off his glare) Or not..

[Time Lapse: Ross's.]

Phoe: Here's the last one. 

Phoebe hands Ross the wig.

Ross: This has gray hair.

Phoe: I know, isn't it cool?

Ross: Pheebs, I don't have gray hair.

Phoe: I know, but wouldn't it be cool to see how you'd look at 50?

Ross puts on the gray wig and likes what he sees.

Ross: Actually I look very distinguished. (looks closer in the mirror) Hello, Dr. Geller.

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's that evening. Monica walks in to find Rachel watching television.]

Mon: Hey Rach.

Rach: (still watching TV) Hey Mon.

Monica walks over and cuts off the TV.

Rach: What'd you do that for?

Mon: Because we need to talk.

Rach: Um, can we talk later? I have to do something in my room. (stands up)

Mon: No! I'm tired of us avoiding each other. We need to talk about what happened.

Rach: Oh, alright. (sits back down and Monica joins her)

Mon: Okay, I'm sorry you saw that tape, I really am. But you gotta just forget about it.

Rach: I know honey, I'm trying. It's just hard to get that image out of my head... 

Mon: I know..

Rach: And the voices.. don't forget the voices.

Mon: (clenches her teeth) I said I know. (calms down) Haven't you ever done anything crazy like that?: (thinks) Well yeah, but there's no evidence of it... at least I don't think. 

Mon: Okay, but that's no reason we shouldn't speak. Look at Chandler and Joey. They're talking.

Rach: Why wouldn't they be talking? 

Mon: Uh, because.. they were going through something as well, but that's really not important.

Rach: Then why did you bring it up?

Mon: I don't know. Hey, I know how we can take your mind off of it.

Rach: How?

Mon: Let's have a girls night out. We'll get Phoebe, and the three of us can go to a movie. (off her look) Or, we could just go out and have a few drinks.

Rach: Now that sounds like a good idea. 

[Cut to: Chandler & Joey's. Chandler's wearing a bewildered expression while facing Joey.]

Chan: (deadpan) No Joe, I did not realize that I could change the home video industry by adding music.

Joey: See! You learn something new everyday. 

Chan: For the last time, no you may not see the tape!

Joey: I can fast forward it. I won't even look at Monica's face. 

Chan: You think it's her face I'm worried about? Look I said no. (enters bedroom) 

Joey: (holds up the tape and giggles) Yeah! 

Chan: (exits bedroom and grabs the tape) Thank you.. (re-enters bedroom)

Joey: Aw Crap!

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's the next day. Everyone is there except Phoebe.]

Ross: So what do you guys think about my hair now?

Ross is wearing a black wig.

Chan: Well before you looked like a skunk. Now you just look like you're wearing one. 

Everybody laughs.

Ross: Ha ha, I'm serious. I'm gonna have to wear it until I can go and get my hair changed back. 

Joey: Just don't expect to have a date for a while.

Rach: Ross you should be used to that then, right?

Ross gives her "the finger." 

Mon: Where did you get the wig?

Ross: Phoebe. 

Chan: That explains it. 

Phoe: (enters) Hey!

All: Hey Pheebs!

Phoe: Okay, I'm here and I have popcorn, so let's get this show on the road.

Rach: What are you talking about? 

Phoe: I thought we were going to watch some movies.

Ross: We are? What movies did you get?

Phoe: I didn't get any. (looks at Joey) Joey said we were going to watch _Faces of Death_, so I thought sure why not.

Ross: _Faces of Death_? 

Rach: Oh my God.. Flashback!

Chan/Mon: Joey!

Joey: See ya! (runs out of the apartment)

The End

Thanks for reading, and please review. Was this original and funny? Do I need a beta reader instead of asking all of you these questions? :) 

Email me at [shannonism_2000@yahoo.com][2] with any other comments or questions.

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/shannonism_2000/MissingTape.html
   [2]: mailto:shannonism_2000@yahoo.com



	3. TOW the Free Passes

The One With the Free Passes

The One With the Free Passes

Here's part 3 of the Secrecy series, taking place a week later. The majority of this takes place outside of the Friends element, so you'll have to use your imagination. 

Warning: I think this one sucks big time, but whatever. 

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Everyone is there except Joey and Phoebe.]

Rach: What do you guys want to do tonight? 

Mon: What did you have in mind? 

Rach: I don't know... maybe a movie?

Ross: A movie is good... (touches his wig) It's dark...

Chan: I was planning on sitting around here all evening, but I could sit in a theater.

Rach: That's great Chandler..

Chan: I mean, either way my butt's gonna fall asleep. 

Mon: (whispers to Chandler) I'll rub it awake if you want me to.

Rach: So okay then. I'll call the theater and see what's showing. (picks up the phone)

Phoe: (enters) Hey!

All: Hey Phoebe! 

Phoe: Okay, guess what? 

Mon: What? 

Phoe: Okay, I was with a client today and he gave me ten free passes to a new club! 

Mon: What are you going to do with ten passes?

Phoe: Well I thought we could use six of them, and the other four I could sell for a little pocket change. (giggles)

Ross: I don't know Pheebs...

Phoe: Oh come on! This is great. When was the last time we shook our groove thing? 

Chan: When it was cool to say 'shake your groove thing'. 

Mon: I'll go, it might be fun. 

Ross: What club is it? 

Phoe: Who cares! It must be cool if you need passes, huh? 

Chan: No, getting on a list is pretty cool, getting passes sounds like the prom. No wait, my prom also had a list.. 

Rach: (hanging up the phone) Okay there's a showing at 7 and 9.. 

Mon: Hey Rach, you wanna go to a club with me and Phoebe? 

Rach: Yeah! That'll be great. 

Ross: What happened to going to the movies? I really wanted to see Cats and Dogs! 

Chan: Alright, I'm in too. 

Ross: Man! 

Joey: (enters) Hey, turn on the news! Quick! 

Mon: (turns TV on) Joey, what's going on? 

Before Joey could reply the news came on. 

Anchorwoman on TV: Good evening and thanks for joining us. Our top story today is the grand opening of a new exclusive club in Manhattan. The owner, business tycoon Steven Mitchell.. 

Phoe: Hey, that's my client! 

Anchorwoman: .. has his publicity machine working overtime in hopes of making the opening of his new speakeasy, the Tabernacle, a success. And it doesn't hurt that actor David Arquette is putting in a special appearance--

Joey: (turns TV off) Do you know what this means? 

All: No. 

Joey: This is a huge break for me. David Arquette is filming a movie here! We have to get into that club tonight! 

Everyone looks at Phoebe. 

Phoe: Oh, now you wanna go! 

[Time Lapse to later that evening, the girl's apartment. Everyone but Joey and Ross is there and ready to go to the club.] 

Mon: You guys, I think we need to leave right now. There could be a long line and we might not be able to get in. 

Rach: (looks at her watch) Yeah, it is getting late. What's taking Joey so long? 

Chan: He's in the mirror practicing how to say hello to David Arquette. And the funny thing is, he keeps saying 'I loved Ready to Rumble, I don't know what everyone else was thinking.' 

Phoe: Well he needs to get his ass over here so we can go. 

Ross: (enters) Hey, is everybody ready? 

Rach: Finally! What took you so-- (turns around and screams) Aahh! 

All: What? 

Rach: Oh God, I am so sorry. I just can't get used to that wig! 

Chan: That makes two of us.

Mon: Make that three. 

Ross: Come on you guys, it's not that bad. (turns to Phoebe) You like it, right Pheebs? 

Phoe: Uh-huh! 

Ross: See, at least one of my friends supports me. 

Rach: (leans over to Ross) Uh, this is Phoebe we're talking about. 

Ross: (looks at Phoebe swatting the air around her) Yeah, I know.. 

[Switch to Monica and Chandler on the couch] 

Mon: I don't know if going out tonight is a good idea. 

Chan: Why? 

Mon: Because, we can't act like a real couple. 

Chan: Yeah, you're right. Then I'll have to watch some guy in a tight shirt name Jake dancing with my woman! 

Mon: Ooh, I love it when you get all possessive. 

Chan: Well there's more where that came from...... (speaks the obvious) In the bedroom.

Mon: (smiles) Yeah I know. 

Chandler looks at Ross, Rachel and Phoebe and sees that they're in their own conversation. 

Chan: And I know I didn't say anything earlier, but you look so sexy tonight. 

Mon: Really? 

Chan: Yes, I thought you looked so hot I put it on my list. See (shows Monica a list with grocery needs and 'Monica is Hot!' on it) 

Mon: You are so sweet! Weird, but sweet. 

Rachel happens to look over at Monica laughing in a flirtatious way with Chandler and doesn't know what to make of it. 

Mon: And you look, so handsome. (caresses his cheek) I could just eat you..

Chan: Oh, you're just hungry. But by all means, eat. (Monica laughs again) 

[Switch back to Rachel, Ross and Phoebe in the kitchen] 

Phoe: Ross no one is going to notice your wig tonight. 

Ross: You think so? 

Phoe: Oh totally! They'll be too busy watching me. (laughs) Plus, it'll be dark. 

Ross: Cool! Rachel, what do you think? (Rachel isn't paying attention) Rach! 

Rach: Um, yes? What were you saying? 

Ross: What do you think about me tonight with the wig? 

Rach: Honestly Ross I try not to think about it. 

Phoe: Look Ross, you've gotta stop obsessing about this! Who cares about your hair! We're going out tonight to have a good time, damn it, and we will! 

Ross: You're right Pheebs, I'm sorry, okay? 

Joey: (enters) Alright, it's time to make Joey a big movie star! 

Mon: Hey Joey, did you decide which voice to speak to David Arquette with? 

Joey: I don't know what you're talking about. (glares at Chandler) 

Mon: (laughs) I'm kidding. I'm sure he'll be very impressed. 

Rach: Yeah honey, you look great. 

Joey: I do? 

Phoe: Oh yeah. If I were an actor I'd put you in my movie. 

Joey: Thanks you guys, but I still don't know what you're talking about. (glares at Chandler again) 

Ross: Uh, can we compliment Joey on the way to the club? 

Mon: Yeah, we should go. Now people! 

They finally leave the apartment, with Monica, Joey and Chandler walking out last. 

Joey: I hope you guys are right about tonight. I have to make a good impression. 

Mon: Sweetie, everything's going to be fine, and you look great! 

Joey: Thanks Mon. (stares at her butt as she walks out the door) 

Chan: Hey! What are you doing? 

Joey: You want people to suspect anything about you and Monica? We have to act normal. (off Chandler's glare) Okay, it's a great ass! 

Chan: (nods in agreement) You do have a point my man. 

[Scene: Manhattan. The gang is standing in line. {"What it feels like for a girl" by Madonna can be heard from inside the club.}] 

Phoe: This is so exciting! I can't wait to get in. 

Ross: Me either.. 

Rach: Just imagine all the cute guys in there. (looks around) And it looks like I won't have to clock any of these women. 

Mon: Aren't we a little overexcited? I mean, it's like we're in sugar shock. 

Phoe: You guys think we spend too much time at the coffee house? 

All: (they think for a second) Nah! 

Joey: It looks like we're about to go in. Now listen you guys, when we get in here, try not to act like you've never seen anyone famous before. 

Mon: Joey, please. We're not going to embarrass you. 

Joey: I know, and I'm sorry. I just don't want to mess this up. 

Rach: Joey, you just concentrate on meeting David Arquette and getting that role. You won't even know we're in there. 

[Time Lapse: Inside the Tabernacle.] 

Rach: (pointing) Oh my God! Joey there he is! 

Joey: Thank you Rachel, I see him. In fact everyone here can see him, he's on stage. 

Rach: I'm sorry Joey. 

Chan: Way to be invisible, Rach.. 

Rach: Shouldn't you be somewhere getting rejected by all these women? 

Ross: (laughing) Ooh, that was good. 

Chan: And I'm sure you're just the chick magnet with your hair helmet. 

Ross quickly replaces his smirk with a glare. 

Phoe: Okay you guys are ruining this for me with your bad energy. Come on, Mon, let's go pick up some hotties. 

Rach: I wanna come too! (follows Phoebe and Monica) 

Ross: So it's just us guys..

Joey: Actually it's just you guys. I see a hot girl who needs some Joey-love. See ya. (walks off) 

Ross: Well it's just you and me Chandler..

Chan: I think I'm gonna go over here. (walks five feet away from him and looks away) 

Ross: (looking around and says to himself) So it's just you... Ross. 

[Scene: The Bar. The girls have just ordered a round of cosmopolitans.] 

Rach: (chugging her drink) Oh, this is so good. I can't believe I don't drink more of these. 

Mon: You don't drink them because you can't handle vodka. 

Phoe: This tastes like Kool-Aid. 

Mon: Are you serious? Phoebe this is made with pure grain alcohol. 

Phoe: Eh.. (catches the eye of a guy across the bar) Ooh, Hottie alert. Check you girls later. (walks over to the guy) 

Mon: Phoebe makes it look so easy to pick up a guy. 

Rach: I know. I'd love to be able to walk up to a guy and just ask three basic questions. 

Mon: What are they? 

Rach: How big? How long? And what is your name? 

Mon: (laughs) If only it could be so easy. Maybe you should slow down with the cosmos. 

Rach: Yeah, I'm starting to think I'm one of those bridge and tunnel girls. 

Mon: damn straight. 

Rach: Ooh, yeah. But wait, didn't they have a lot of sex? 

Mon: Yes. 

Rach: That might not be so bad. 

[Switch to Ross standing next to a woman, say Gabrielle Union, near the dance floor.] 

Ross: uh, Hi. 

Wm.: Hi. 

Ross: So are you enjoying yourself? 

Wm.: (speaks loudly) What? 

Ross: (speaks loudly) I said, are you enjoying yourself? 

Wm.: Oh yeah! Great time! 

Ross: Listen, can I buy you a drink?! 

Wm.: Sure! Thank you. Can you bring two martinis? 

Ross: Quite a drinker, huh? Okay, I'll be right back. (goes to the bar and comes back a few minutes later) Here we go, two marti--

Ross sees that the woman is no longer by herself. She's with another woman.... and they're kissing. 

Wm.: Thanks! 

Ross: You're with a woman. You didn't tell me that. 

Wm.: Who did you think the other drink was for? 

Ross: I don't know. I thought you were an alcoholic. (laughs nervously) But you're just a lesbian, and I've had enough of those. I'm just gonna go now.. (quickly rushes off) 

[A montage of scenes coming up with Joey trying to meet David Arquette. **First scene** shows Joey on the side of the stage waiting on David to walk by, and he gets pushed over by a huge crowd of fans. **Second scene** shows David at a VIP booth and Joey walking up, but is immediately picked up by two body guards and carried away. **Third scene** shows Joey speaking to David on the dance floor, but the music is too loud for him to hear what Joey is saying.] 

[Scene: Back at the bar. Monica and Rachel are talking to a guy when Joey walks up.] 

Mon/Rach: Hey Joey. 

Joey: I have a favor to ask you. 

Rach: Sorry, I'm busy. 

Mon: What is it? (Joey pulls her to the side) 

Joey: I need you to flirt with David Arquette. 

Mon: What? Why? 

Joey: Because his bodyguards will only let women talk to him. I've been trying all night and they won't let me near him! 

Mon: Joey I'm not gonna do that. 

Joey: Come on Mon! All you have to do is talk to him. Tell him how much you want to have sex with him, then casually mention me! 

Mon: Ew, Joey! No, that's disgusting! (walks off) 

Joey: Hey, Rach! I have a favor. (walks over to Rachel) 

[Cut to: Monica finds Chandler on the dance floor looking like a dancing fool.] 

Mon: Wow, you sure can.... whatever. 

Chan: I'll take that as a compliment. (they walk to a table) 

Mon: Where've you been? I haven't seen you all night. 

Chan: Mostly with Phoebe, and trying to dodge Ross. 

Mon: Will I get at least one dance from you before we leave? 

Chan: You can get more than one dance. 

Chandler pulls Monica on the dance floor as Nikka Costa's "Like a Feather" plays. 

[Time Lapse: Back at the bar. Monica is by herself when David Arquette joins her.] 

Dave: Hello. 

Mon: Hi. Wait, aren't you..? 

Dave: (smiles) Yeah, but don't hold it against me. (Monica laughs) 

Mon: Are you here because of Joey? 

Dave: Who's Joey? 

Mon: Oh, never mind. 

Dave: So, you know my name, but I don't know yours. 

Mon: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Monica. 

Dave: Monica, that's a pretty name. It's nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink? 

Mon: No, thanks. 

Dave: So is Joey your boyfriend? 

Mon: (laughing) Are you kidding me! No, he's just a friend. 

Dave: That's good to know. Do you think we could get to know each other a little better? 

Mon: Wow, David, you mean like swap diaries or something? (David gives her a sexy look) 

David: We could do that too, but actually I meant going out sometime. 

Mon: (looks across the room at Chandler) I'm really flattered, but I'm kind of seeing someone right now. 

Dave: I'm sorry, I didn't know. 

Mon: That's okay. I'm sorry too. 

[Switch to Rachel and Chandler across the room.] 

Rach: I wonder what they're talking about. 

Chan: Who? 

Rach: Monica and David Arquette. 

Chan: What? Monica's talking to him? 

Rach: Yeah, and they seem to be having a good time. 

Chandler frowns when he sees Monica smiling and laughing with David. 

Rach: Oh, he's leaving. I'm going to go find out what he said. 

[Switch back to Monica at the bar. Rachel sits down next to her.] 

Rach: Hey Mon. 

Mon: Hey. 

Rach: So what was that about? 

Mon: What was what about? 

Rach: You and David... there was a whole lot of smiling and laughing going on. 

Mon: And that's all it was. He's a nice guy. 

Rach: Isn't he? He's so funny. 

Mon: Don't tell me you like him? (laughing) Oh my God, he's not even your type! 

Rach: That's what makes it so crazy. When we talked he was so sweet. 

Mon: Wait, so you talked to him? Did you tell him about Joey? 

Rach: No.... Nooo! Oh no! I totally forgot about that! 

Mon: No wonder he had no idea who Joey was. 

Rach: Oh well, I'll ask him later. So anyway, what are you going to do? 

Mon: About what? 

Rach: About what... David! Is this going to be another Jean-Claude incident? Because if you have your eye on him I will stay away. 

Mon: Really? 

Rach: Yes, and this time I mean it. 

Mon: Thank you Rachel. But there's nothing going on. I kind of have my eye on someone else, if you know what I mean. (giggles) 

Rach: Really? Tell me who it is! 

Mon: All I will say is that he is amazing. And when the time is right, you will meet him. 

Rach: Well what if he calls the apartment one day? How should I address him? 

Mon: Rach, I'm not telling you his name. 

Rach: Damnit! 

[Scene: Lounge area. Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are at a booth. {Jill Scott's on stage singing "Show Me"}] 

Phoe: Well I'm ready to get the hell out of here. 

Ross: I thought you were having a great time. 

Phoe: Yeah, but that was before the vodka wore off. 

Ross: What? 

Rach: Please don't ask. 

Ross: Actually I'm ready to go too. This was the worse night ever! 

Joey: How? 

Ross: All the women here are lesbians.

Joey: Well if that's true then Joey has won back a few for the home team. Besides, I should be the only one complaining about tonight! 

Phoe/Ross: Why? 

Joey: Did you see me talk to David Arquette at all tonight? (turns to Rachel) You talked to him right? And he didn't ask anything about me? 

Rach: Uh no honey, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go find Chandler and Monica so we can go. (rushes off) 

[Cut to the dance floor. Chandler and Monica are slow dancing.] 

Chan: I told you we'd get to dance. 

Mon: You sure did. And you're a really good dancer. 

Chan: That's only because I'm dancing with you, and I like the way your hips move. 

Mon: (smiles) Well I like that you like the way my hips move. 

Chan: And you know what else I like? (kisses Monica down her neck) 

Mon: (moans) No, but I like what you're doing now. 

Chan: I like, no make that love, the way your tongue moves. (kisses Monica deeply) 

[Switch to Rachel walking through the crowd looking for Chandler and Monica. She sees them on the dance floor in a very tight embrace, kissing.] 

Rach: Oh my God! What are they doing! 

Ross walks up behind her. 

Ross: What is who doing? 

Rach: (turning around quickly) Oh my God! You scared the hell out of me! Don't do that! 

Ross: I'm sorry. Who were you looking at? 

Rach: Who said I was looking at someone? 

Ross: You just screamed 'what are they doing!' so I just assumed.... 

Rach: Well you know what Ross? You shouldn't assume things. 

Ross: But-- 

Rach: Let's go this way. (walks back in the other direction) 

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Everybody but Ross and Phoebe are there.] 

Rach: I am so tired, my bed is calling my name. 

Joey: Is it calling my name too? Cause.. (Rachel glares at him) 

Mon: Well I'm going to bed. All that dancing wore me out. 

Rach: (mumbles) Not to mention the kissing. 

Chan/Mon: What? 

Rach: Nothing. I'm going to bed. 

Joey: See you girls tomorrow. 

Mon: Goodnight. (winks at Chandler) 

Chan: Goodnight. (winks back) 

[Scene: Phoebe's building. Ross is walking her to her door.] 

Phoe: Thanks for seeing me home Ross. 

Ross: Sure no problem. 

Phoe: I'm sorry you didn't have a good time tonight. 

Ross: Yeah, me too. I just don't get it! 

Phoe: (rubs his arm) It's their loss, if they can't see what a great guy you are. 

Ross: Thanks Pheebs. 

They hug for a moment before slowly coming apart. Something is very different between them, more like an instant attraction. They lean in closer and kiss softly at first before the kiss gets deeper. 

Ross/Phoe: (slowly breaking apart) Wow! 

[Scene: Rachel's bedroom late that night. Rachel is tossing and turning when she hears Monica's bedroom door open.] 

Rach: (cracking her door open) I wonder why Monica is up so late.. 

Monica opens the door to reveal Chandler. 

Mon: (whispering) I'm glad you're here. 

Chan: (whispering back) Me too. I had to wait until Joey went to sleep. 

They kiss warmly as a shocked Rachel looks on. 

Rach: (covering her mouth with her hand) Oh my God! It is true. (looks out her door again) 

Mon: Let's go to my room before Rachel wakes up. And this time, try to keep it down. 

Chan: Me? I'm not the talker. 

Mon: Well when you enjoy it, it makes me enjoy it more. 

Chan: Okay, I'll try not to enjoy the sex. 

They sneak into Monica's room and Rachel shuts her door. 

Rach: This is huge! Monica and Chandler are secretly having sex.... secretly.... (smiles to herself) I know a secret! Ooh, I can't wait to tell Phoebe! 

To Be Continued..

Thanks to Jjaks for the input and funny ass jokes. It doesn't suck nearly as bad as it did before. :) Please email me at [shannonism_2000@yahoo.com][1], or fill in the review form below and tell me what you think. 

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/shannonism_2000/shannonism_2000@yahoo.com



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